I wish I didn’t have to hide/lie (just a rant)

The people at work seem so happy. A new girl asked how my holiday was and I said, “well.”

“Well?”

No it wasn’t. I stayed in the residence hall for the entire winter break. I believe it was me, the RA and this girl from Taiwan.

I didn’t really celebrate anything with anyone on a big, magical scale.

Perhaps I’d make a good Jehovah’s witness, minus the witnessing? Holidays don’t make me happy – observations don’t make me feel anything. They feel so foreign – they are as any other day.

I wrote how I longed for anything Chanukah but I know many in that community don’t care for me or those.like.me.

When I’m honest, people just view me as bitter. People comment how they’re “sorry” – and honestly, I was feeling fine before I received their pity. Pity, the “I’m sorry” make me feel like there’s some sorry case that is an aspect of me that others note and give condolences for – they freaking apologize as if it was a passing of a loved one or a failing grade.

“she’s so ghetto!”

A few posts back I talk about the conservative woman I usually develop unrequited feelings for.

There’s an exception, I guess.

She was…significant in my life a few years ago and we’ve gotten back in touch.

I was showing her Facebook page to a friend of mine when he says, “she’s so ghetto!” 😯

That was news to me. Ok, so she smokes..cigarettes. You know, those things I call “cancer sticks”?

I tried to ignore it but the same friend reminded me of my old ringtone that was the audio of an anti-smoking commercial – was this woman aware of it?

He pointed out how nice, moral women don’t flip off the camera, they don’t lay all over VARIOUS men. He asked me if she had a butterfly tattoo on her lower back.

😯 How do you know?

So that was stereotyping but yes, she does.

I was so impressed by the career she holds I’ve always tried to look past this. It was nice hearing from her again but I’ve decided she’s far too different for us to have enough in common to spend time together.

dealing with attention from women&…men?

I’m always awkweird after receiving compliments. I’m not the guy who can’t accept them, I just awkweirdly accept them. I’ll blush madly and end up tripping over my feet before I can express my gratitude for the other person’s kind words.

Historically people wouldn’t dish out compliments until after they knew me as friends. Lately people will comment on how I’m dressed; something else, they’ll speak to me flirtatiously and I won’t know what the hell just happened until my co-worker explains it to me 😳

My therapist I see for all matters transitioning asked me if I was ready for this. I brushed it off and thought she was being silly. I guess she wasn’t 😯

The looks& smiles make me uncomfortable at work. An alum from my university came to my work. She touched my sweater and told me how she recently graduated, blah, blah, blah.

She insisted I stay, by explicitly telling me to STAY and help her pick out sunglasses that make her “look cute.”

She later at the checkout, asked if I had text messaging, I said, “NO.”  What the hell was that?

She was cute but I was unnerved by the whole thing.

There is a guy at school who is also touchy and loves to compliment. It’s weird. Hearing these things from either sex – from anyone for that matter is weird for me. Hopefully I get used to it. Or maybe, just maybe, I could grow a big, mountain-man beard and hide in the religion department and blend with the old professors in there who everyone ignores while they’re being academic and beard-y, speaking dead languages. Maybe, we’ll see. I seriously would not mind that whatsoever 😉

Classical political philosophy..typical thoughts

Day 1: Wow. Ok, so this dude is loud. Why is he talking so fast? Do I come across that way?

Oh, I heard he was Jewish too..I pictured him differently, I shouldn’t have. Stop stereotyping, you know better.

Why are his pants so tight? Stop staring, it’s weird.

Oh crap, he’s going to take roll. Please, please remember my email; please, don’t mess this up. I’m sorry for making fun of you in my head right now, just get the preferred name right. Please. I’m the transguy in the class. (Will save this for another post; short answer, yes, I’m trans, ftm and transitioning)

Phew, he got it. Rock star! You sir, are a rock star. Thank you. I hope I don’t look as nervous as I feel right now.

Why is he talking so fast? He’s so loud. Slooow down, the room won’t spontaneously combust, just chill, we have a whole semester.

Later….

Wow, he knows a lot. I wish he would turn the volume down, man. I mean, does he think we couldn’t hear him at any other volume? Shhhh, dude, please, it’s a mere 8am.

Later on…

Soo..bro, I hear you went to Harvard at one point? Damn, I must say, I have mad respect for you if I didn’t already. Why are you talking so loud? Shhh….

Weeks passed and…

He always wears those pants. Stop staring, seriously. Anything, anything, think   Hebrew, Latin, Hebrew, Spanish. אני עייף, lassus sum, estoy cansado…estoy cansado, lassus sum, אני עייף, I am tired. Ugh, why was he born with that? I mean, don’t you know there’s a Tguy in the room? So stop wearing your pants damned tight.

Almost a semester ago..

Geez, this class, dude, just stop talking. We’re not really listening. There’s a few of us who count how many times you say the phrase, “in and of itself..” I wonder if I do that? Do we all do that? I’m betting coin on this, say it one more time – yes!

Bro, chill, Rousseau, blah blah, we know. Yes, Judaism, I know – there’s a personal tie I often deny..Christianity, yes, man, I went to a Christian college for my first 2 years; he talks so much, stop talking dude.

It’s no wonder I’m a bit lost.

the beauty of focus, cramming and success(?)

My first major cram session was in high school. I had a 10 page paper due the next day. I had completed the reading yet had failed to begin writing the essay that I learned would only continue to creep up on me until I defeated it.

I earned an A- and was completely shocked. I told myself however, that although I performed well in that particular instance, I would never leave something so HUGE until the last minute..

There was then this biology course I took at my former university. Man..that was a period of much distraction. AD/HD tendencies were in..overdrive. It was a deep struggle.

I messed around all during that class due to being bored. I would chat at full volume to whoever was lucky enough to sit next to Mr Chatterbox-the-rain, Me.

I remember my prof had me take 3 of my exams in this..closet-room-thing.

Before the final she told me it was optimistic in assuming I would earn a “D” in her class, that I should re-take it the following semester.

😮 I could not have that. I met up with two tutors who made my professor appear highly pessimistic. I earned a B on the final, learning the entire semester of content in less then 2 weeks.

I earned a B- in the class overall. Man, that felt great. It was like..whoa. What a feeling.

That was some time ago. I’m sort of facing something similar at my current school. I have my final for classical political philosophy this upcoming Tuesday.

Truth be told I haven’t opened any of the books since the very beginning of the semester. I’m not ashamed to say this either. I considered going to speak with my professor but then I realized I have yet to figure out what I do know so I can ask him about all that I do not know.

Through the years I learned professors don’t mind you not knowing, you just have to know what it is you have questions about. With this particular dude, Sir  Teacher of the Class, I want to know exactly what I want to say memorized before I get to the floor of his office.

He’s..intimidating. I mean, I heard much about my econ professor having served as the economic adviser at one point to the Shah of Iran. I went to him nervous with my first questions but realized he’s completely “chill” and goodhearted.

This isn’t to say my professor of classical political philosophy is evil or malicious. I don’t really know him. We never really had a conversation. Just everything about him screams AHH! I HAVE MY PHD, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT ME? IT’S FROM HARVARD, YO! Or not necessarily the “yo,” but if you’re a student, I’m sure you know what I mean. I’ll devote another post to that..

Back to my original point -oh, I get distracted often, if you haven’t figured it out… 😛

Yes, original point..I’m trying to cram for this class. I earned a B on the first essay, a B- on the most recent one. I have to do well on this final. I’m trying and am promising myself this will definitely not happen again in the future. No more procrastination at this level in the semesters to come.

academic& “other” background

This semester I’m taking a basic philosophy course, intro Spanish, economics and classical political philosophy. People often will assume I’m majoring in philosophy since I always seem to have a philosophy class or two on my plate each semester. I’m not quite sure why that happens but ever since I started college, philosophy of some sort has followed me.

My beginning of college started at a Christian college in SoCal. It was alright but not a fit for several reasons, one being that I am not Christian.

I’ll go ahead and provide some background on that…school.

We were required to attend biblical study courses and chapel thrice weekly. Oh boy, ay dios mio, אוי ואבוי, OMGee, etc.

At that point in my academic career I was a biology major. I thought it was a good fit. It wasn’t until I transferred to my current university that I realized that though I love biology it did not give me enough of a thrill to put in such a significant amount of effort required for grades I desired.

My major is now religion. I have had a love-hate relationship with religious studies since…as far back as I can remember. Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, Sikhism and more recently I have been examining what Islam presents.

Out of the many religions I have read up on and experienced vicariously or first hand, my heart lies with Judaism.

I will refrain from backspacing on that despite my current state of religious confusion.

Um, studying religion is what I’m passionate about. It’s surely what I need in order to stay.. focused.

There’s times I will become lost severely due to my subject of study but..I adore it. It fascinates me to no end.