Why are you so nice to me?

Sometimes there’s this lingering guilt I hold where I feel as if I don’t deserve kindness.

I don’t want to touch on the cause of that feeling in this posting but yes, it is there.

There’s this woman in student accounts at my university who has helped me SO MUCH.

In short I mentioned I was trans to her and I think that is partly why I had the courage to come out fully.

Today I spoke to her about housing issues and my finances.

She called me later and informed me about the federal work study I was granted that was soon to expire. A bit later she called me again and told me of a position and connected me to the supervisor 😯

I spoke w/the supervisor and met her in person.  I’ll see her now Monday at 1. I submitted all of the forms today and can begin on 1/23/12 😀

The student accounts lady helped me with my forms and was “glad to see [me] smile.”

She reminds me of my grandmother which is bittersweet. I feel as if I need to pay her back for being kind to me; I’m just not used to it.

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old[er] ladies.

They annoy me.

It’s been ever since I can remember.

During my time at Christian University X I volunteered in an emergency department. There was this nurse I would talk to by the name of “Kate.” She was just beautiful but I originally did not know her actual age.

She was just gorgeous..even carrying a bedpan full of urine she was flawless looking. I remember she would give this cute smiley face at me when she was doing something dead serious. It would make me go 😳 and my stomach would get these…stupid butterflies.

Toward the end of my time there I found out her actual age 😯

Her actual age made me not even want to say bye to her. Gross. What the hell was that?

Yes, the women I usually crush on are older but not.that.old. I was disgusted.

At work that happens more now. These people are 40-ish. I don’t want the compliments, no thank you. Just..don’t say anything to me – that would be great, thanks.

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stupid, weird things I do…

I regret my professor knowing I’m trans.

If I had my name legally changed I probably would not have had to tell him. He would have read me as male apparently before I said anything.

Yesterday I just felt weird in his presence. It was probably my fault. I did the whole crotch stare thing without wanting to. I mean, I’m sorry, I wasn’t planning on having my eyes go to your junk but I am in the front and you stand super close and it’s all at eye level. 

I quickly looked away but obviously he seen. During break I had to acknowledge him walking passed so I just faked a courtesy smile-ish-thing and nodded. He just was like 😐 Dude, you’re the one who pushed an FTM’s chest 😐

I left the building and he was right behind me on-campus only minutes later while I was venting on the phone 😡

What the hell? I want to sit in the back and melt into the back wall. Today is no class so I’m hoping by Monday whatever weirdness there was will be gone.

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“Angels Weep” – Dr Syed Z Abedin

Found this to be awesome.

“Wherever there is slaughter of innocent men,
women, and children for the mere reason that they
belong to another race, color, or nationality, or were
born into a faith which the majority of them could
never quite comprehend and hardly ever practice
in its true spirit; wherever the fair name of religion
is used as a veneer to hide overweening political
ambition and bottomless greed, wherever the
glory of Allah is sought to be proclaimed through
the barrel of a gun; wherever piety becomes
synonymous with rapacity, and morality cowers
under the blight of expediency and compromise,
wherever it be—in Yugoslavia or Algeria, in Liberia,
Chad, or the beautiful land of the Sudan, in Los
Angeles or Abuija, in Kashmir or Conakry, in
Colombo or Cotabato—there God is banished and
Satan is triumphant, there the angels weep and the
soul of man cringes; there in the name of God
humans are dehumanized; and there the grace and
beauty of life lie ravished and undone.”

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1st day of Jan term – PHEW!

This morning was the first day of Jan term. After the professor introduced himself he wanted to hear a little about us : major, year in college, religious background and what I was dreading, our name.

As he pointed to me he said, “we’ll start with this young man right here.” I was so relieved and tried to act nonchalant about the fact that either he remembered my email or I just passed! Phew!

During the 22min break I asked him if he did indeed receive my email. He asked what it was pertaining to and I said, “name and pronouns..” as quietly as possible as there were other students lingering to speak with him. He stuck his ear in my face and I repeated what I had originally said. He asked if it was about his name and pronoun. NO, LOL.

He said he forgot that it was me who was Caleb from the email..the legal name X who holds the preferred name CALEB. Yes, that is me, Professor..

He pushed my chest, in the socially acceptable jest-way, and laughed. I was like 😯 as I’m still pre-op but laughed in relief that I was read as male enough so to where that’s acceptable. I just told him I wanted to be sure and I went on break.

All felt great as that huge worry was GONE, or at least w/my professor for Jan – term.

After class I was leaving to go and he touched my shoulder and said, “fella?” I nodded and said, “yes,” thanking him.

The fact that he wanted to clarify means initially I was 100% read as MALE! 🙂

Huge boost of confidence. My only concern is for classmates to see me leaving and entering the female’s residence hall 😯

Oh well..I mean, my professor for the next 4 weeks who is also my adviser is clear on my name and pronouns. Phew…now to actually read and prepare for tomorrow’s class.

Because this course is only 4 weeks it’s super accelerated . I’m less than enthusiastic to complete all that reading by tomorrow 8 am 😡

I suppose I can be happy it’s for religion and not say…polysci or a dull art class or something 🙂

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Jan term begins tomorrow, 8am!

I can’t believe it – winter break flew by for me! Tomorrow it’s back to class already.

I’m sort of looking forward to it though I’m concerned about name/pronoun issues. My professor still has yet to get back in touch with me 😯

I’m planning on being the first one in the room – assuming he’s the on-time type so it can established then. Based on this email experience it seems like I should know better; he’ll probably come in five minutes after we’re all seated.

Also, just now the required books were posted. One of the two books was $150+ in the university bookstore. Excuse me? $150+ for a book for Jan term? No..

I just ordered an older edition online – if it doesn’t suffice, oh well, I’ll make a buddy who had the cash to buy the most current from the bookstore.

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“fascinating..” (more dumb ‘musings’ made in fall 2011 semester classes)

Can I use that word, “fascinating?”

Ok, I will simply because, anything else would cause me to blush madly and I really find that more embarrassing than the comment I’m thinking itself.

I’ll be straight with you: I’m a religion major; alright, so I majored in bio at one point but that’s about as far as my interest extends. I’m fascinated by what I study or else it wouldn’t be my major.

My point? I find all that you speak of to be DULL in contrast. It’s almost painful at times to hear you drone on and on and on and on…geez, you just keep going. I’m banging my head against the table in my mind’s eye 😡

Sorry.

I should just drop your damn class NOW. I should decide against that in registration in the future.

But here’s the deal, it was either your class or this class about sex. No. Thank. You. Not with that instructor.

I’ll stick with whatever the class is called taught by you 😉 Besides, there’s the other part..

Perhaps I have a crush? Wow, this is terribly embarrassing. I should stop now. I’ll pretend like I don’t have these odd little dreams about you. Ahh – sex dreams about a professor, AWKWARD 😳

Now you glance in my direction and I think I’m staring too hard. I’m usually not this way, you’ll have to excuse me. Maybe if your class wasn’t so damn boring this wouldn’t be happening 😡

I suggest wearing a loud sweater or something terribly disgusting looking or just aging horribly and just…no, you’re hot – no denying that 😳

**This semester I plan on not letting anything distract me. The only things I plan on writing this semester are notes about the course itself**

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Yes, I’m the man from the woman’s hall calling..

I just retrieved my food from the other residence hall I kicked back in during the power outage in my hall.

I had to get the RA to open the door for me. I called the duty phone to where a girl answered – explaining she was the RA for Residence Hall X (which is the all female hall)

I acknowledged that and informed her that I was in the same building.

Silence.

Ok, I told her, I’ll meet you in the lounge. We met outside of the other residence hall and she seemed somewhat surprised; apparently she didn’t recognize me on the phone 😯

I called my buddy up and he was shocked by my voice – I didn’t think it had deepened much but apparently it has – nice. No, not nice, just freaking lovely if I’m being honest 🙂

I’m very happy.

Next? I guess I can stop being so self conscious in my classes about my voice. I sort of feel that weird happy cry but not physically crying – it’s odd. It makes me wonder when this happened? As last time anything about my voice was discussed was w/that woman I met at McDonald’s.

I felt so ashamed of it – apparently it’s male enough to be considered MALE.

This is what I’ve been waiting for.

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oh right, I should update about the woman…

The evening before my Spanish oral exam I was memorizing responses I would provide to the questions my professor would most likely ask; one had been “Who would you like to meet?” My response? alguien como yo

Maybe I got just that…

In the entry I just posted I talk about people can see me as bitter or…something when I express my thoughts/feelings or lack of about certain occasions/holidays.

Alrighty, so this woman – I texted her yesterday and spoke with her earlier this morning.

After our conversations I found the person I want to be my girlfriend cannot be like me. It gave me a weird feeling – typically I can handle one cynical person rocking in the rocking chair at 70-odd years old while the other is joyful (to an extent); in my vision of the future, I’m usually the “crabby” one. It’s not an unhappy crabby but I suppose just..it’s part of who I am, whether I’m feeling happy or not. The other person sitting to my right is cheerful, positive even.

Deirdre apparently is interested in existentialism, lives that way… and honestly, the conversations quickly became depressing; no thank you. I find her attractive theoretically but if anything, she shall remain in the friend zone forevermore.

**Oh and if anyone was wondering, she now knows I’m trans. She seemed to know already..making a comment about “when [my] voice deepens..”**

–It wasn’t a huge, awkweird ordeal in any way; one thing I wish everyone had that she seems to hold is an accepting way of thinking. —

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I wish I didn’t have to hide/lie (just a rant)

The people at work seem so happy. A new girl asked how my holiday was and I said, “well.”

“Well?”

No it wasn’t. I stayed in the residence hall for the entire winter break. I believe it was me, the RA and this girl from Taiwan.

I didn’t really celebrate anything with anyone on a big, magical scale.

Perhaps I’d make a good Jehovah’s witness, minus the witnessing? Holidays don’t make me happy – observations don’t make me feel anything. They feel so foreign – they are as any other day.

I wrote how I longed for anything Chanukah but I know many in that community don’t care for me or those.like.me.

When I’m honest, people just view me as bitter. People comment how they’re “sorry” – and honestly, I was feeling fine before I received their pity. Pity, the “I’m sorry” make me feel like there’s some sorry case that is an aspect of me that others note and give condolences for – they freaking apologize as if it was a passing of a loved one or a failing grade.

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